For years I thought that love came out of nowhere, when you just met the right people. At one point, my world and my whole notion of it turned upside down. Then I realized, thanks to a very smart man, that love is an activity, not a state. And not an easy activity. It has to be learned, like any craft. You have to develop the ability to love. There is both theory and practice in this business. With theory, of course, it's easier. It can take a lifetime to practice. But if there is love in the world, then there has to be the other side. Hate? Not that. The flip side of love is unloving. When you're not loved, you don't behave the same way when it's the other way around. Let's figure out how. And the psychologist Anna Kiryanova and that clever man I mentioned will help us in this.
When you're not loved: love, dislike, and how to make sense of it all
Many people confuse unloving with hating. And it so happens that the word "hate" itself carries such a tar-black connotation that it seems as if there can't be anything worse than it. I assure you, it can. "Hate is sometimes even worse, because one hates for something, out of envy, for example. And one can walk away or fight back. And they don't love you for nothing. Although they say: "Yes I love you, but get off, you're at it again!" - Psychologist Anna Kiryanova wrote in her unusual post.
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And yes, think about it and you realize that when they hate you, you may even become stronger. And when you are not loved, it slowly empties you out, squeezes you out. You become a wet, dirty old towel that needs to be recycled.
They don't want anything to do with you
When they don't love you, they don't want to laugh with you, cry with you, talk with you, cuddle with you. They don't want anything to do with you. Because you're in the way, you're meddling, you don't give you a break. They don't want to listen to you, because your problems are a mere trifle that you made up for yourself (or yourself).
"Dislike - when you do not scold much, but also do not praise. Not noticed. When it is uncomfortable to eat in front of a loved one, he can say that you eat too much. But the person you cooked will eat the food and not say anything. And do not notice the effort when you clean up and put flowers in a vase, "- continues Kiryanova.
They do not notice. And that hurts. You're just waiting for someone to pay attention to you. But until then you exist, sitting at the station in the waiting room, just in case my train arrives, and I'll fly into it at full speed. And so you can wait for a lifetime ... "dislike - when you can not do anything. When you irritate, interfere, meddle, talk nonsense, blow your brains out. Sit quietly in the corner and wait to be taken for a walk. Don't whine, don't whine, don't cry, sit still and wait. When people do not stand up for you and say, "It's your own fault! It's not love.
Unloving makes a person fade away
Kiryanova says that first of all it squeezes all the juices out of children, elderly people and dogs. And then it starts to take adults but very sensitive people. Dislike changes a person, distorts his inner being. He was happy, he was fun, and then he wasn't loved. And that's it.
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"Unloving makes a man timid, clumsy, uptight and ugly. He's afraid of ruining everything, of getting in the way, of being annoyed. There's nothing you can do about it. If you have strength, you have to leave, at least with a knot on a stick. Or at least make it clear that it's not love. Not love.
And what is love?
If everything mentioned above is non-love, then what is love? For me, no one has explained it better than Erich Fromm, that clever man, the insightful psychologist, philosopher, and writer I mentioned. He explained everything from the opposite direction.
Unloving is a symbiotic bond. When a couple cannot exist without each other. It is an addiction in which the individuality of each partner is lost. This phenomenon has different forms: passive - a kind of internal masochism, active - domination, sadism. In these cases, the person most often simply escapes loneliness by entering into symbiosis with someone. He was lonely, didn't feel united with the world around him. And then he got a horrible parody of oneness, although at first it might not have seemed so bleak.
Love is a mature unity, as long as everyone maintains his or her integrity and individuality. Love is not a sacrifice, it's not "the whole damn compromise," as Bee 2 sings. It's a kind of paradox, because two people become one, while remaining separate individuals. It's complicated, it's very complicated! That's why it's an activity: you have to plow like an ox. But the paradox of mature true love is also that this hard work itself will bring pleasure. "One loves what one works at and works at what one loves." Thanks to Fromm for this insight. Hats off to him.
If you enjoyed this article and enjoyed thinking about it as much as I did, leave a comment and tell me what you think about love and non-love.
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