What You Need to Know About Loving Yourself

There is no shortage of advice on how to love yourself these days. Local gift shops often offer self-compassion candles topped with rose quartz, positive affirmation cards, and pillows embossed with Brene Brown quotes. Scroll through Instagram or TikTok and youll probably encounter influencer types spouting self-love advice that often ignores the many complex reasons why someone might struggle with self-wortha barrage of you just have to love yourself toxic positivity that was brilliantly (and hilariously) portrayed in the second episode of Euphoria season 2.

Self-love sells. But do we really believe it? While it may seem cheesy or oversimplified, most mental health professionals will agree that being kinder to and more accepting of yourself is both crucial to mental well-being and healthy relationships. There are, however, several factors (trauma, years of self-criticism, and systemic discrimination) that allow this simple-sounding practice to become far more complicated and difficult to implement.

Having clicked on this article, chances are you could use some self-compassion support. In light of this, we sought advice from a few therapists knowledgeable about this issue. You won't need any inspirational quotes to learn how to (actually) love yourself (but don't feel bad if you do).

Make self-love a practice, not a destination, and define it for yourself.
When you love yourself, you can't reach a finish line. There is no such thing as permanent self-love or constant self-love. Moreover, it is not the same thing as being in love with ourselves, so if love doesn't feel right, consider accepting ourselves or neutralizing ourselves. In a world obsessed with happiness, most people define love as a fairytale where everything has to be perfect and we apply that pressure to self-love, which is unrealistic, says Whitney Goodman, LMFT, author of Toxic Positivity. Not everything about us must be cherished, and some days will be easier than others. Just like with other long-term relationships, sometimes loving ourselves is just commitment, perseverance, acceptance, or general neutrality, licensed clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, PhD, an assistant professor at Northwestern University and author of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, tells SELF. Don't expect new thinking patterns to emerge overnight: It takes practice to accept and be kind to oneself.

2. Understand that you do not have to love your reality to love (or accept, or forgive) yourself.
I imagine your closest friends and family are the ones who show up with love when you are at your lowest, least successful, insert-negative-adjective best. Imagine yourself treating yourself the same way. Despite our faults, we love our friends and family, but it's hard to love ourselves. We can love others or ourselves if we realize perfection is not a prerequisite, so we can begin to practice self-acceptance and, maybe eventually, self-love, Adia Gooden, PhD, who gave a TED Talk on unconditional self-worth that has been viewed nearly a million times, tells SELF.

It can be hard for anyone who has tried to accept their mistakes and imperfections due to woulds, shoulds, and coulds. Goodman says that when working with clients, I observe that most of their suffering comes from longing for things to be different. Radical acceptance is a dialectical behavior therapy concept she uses to help people accept their circumstances and also have hope for a better future.