What Is the Best Way to Love Yourself?

Today, self-love advice is ubiquitous. If you stroll into your favorite local gift shop, you're likely to find candles topped with rose quartz, affirmation card decks, and pillows embossed with quotes from Brene Brown. Scroll through Instagram or TikTok and youll probably encounter influencer types spouting self-love advice that often ignores the many complex reasons why someone might struggle with self-wortha barrage of you just have to love yourself toxic positivity that was brilliantly (and hilariously) portrayed in the second episode of Euphoria season 2.

Self- love sells. But do we really believe it? While it may seem cheesy or oversimplified, most mental health professionals will agree that being kinder to and more accepting of yourself is both crucial to mental well-being and healthy relationships. Some factors (trauma, years of self-criticism, systemic discrimination, to name a few) can complicate this simple-sounding practice, making it much more difficult.

Having clicked on this article, chances are you could use some self-compassion support. In order to help with this situation, we consulted a few therapists who specialize in it. Get their practical tips for loving yourself (actually)-no inspirational quotes needed (but no shame if those do).

Make self-love a practice, not a destination, and define it for yourself.
Being officially in love with yourself is not something you cross at the end. In the long run, self-love will not be constant or permanent. Also, being in love with yourself is not the same as being in love with yourself, so working on acceptance or neutrality might work best for you. According to Whitney Goodman, LMFT, author of Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy, we often define love as perfect, and then apply it to self-love, which isn't realistic. Every day won't be easy, and some days will be more difficult than others. Just like with other long-term relationships, sometimes loving ourselves is just commitment, perseverance, acceptance, or general neutrality, licensed clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, PhD, an assistant professor at Northwestern University and author of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, tells SELF. Remember that cultivating new thoughts patterns takes time: Just like any habit, being kind to yourself takes time to develop.

The second step is to understand that you do not need to accept (or forgive) yourself in order to love your reality.
Imagine having friends and family members show up with love for you even at your worst, least successful, or most negative moments. Ask yourself if you would treat yourself the same way. Friends and family are loved despite their faults, but not everyone is able to love themselves despite their flaws. If we realize that perfection is not a prerequisite for loving others or loving ourselves, we can begin to practice self-acceptance and, maybe eventually, self-love, Adia Gooden, PhD, whose TED Talk on unconditional self-worth has been viewed nearly one million times, tells SELF.

The feeling of acceptance can be almost impossible for anyone burdened by woulds, shoulds, and coulds. Goodman says that, in his work with clients, he sees that a great deal of their suffering results from a longing to change things. By using dialectical behavior therapy, she helps people accept their reality and have hope for the future.